Dust in the Wind

i really. really hate it.

when people suddenly don't exist anymore.

nobody died that i know of. i just....i dunno it just really gets me. especially if i didnt get to know them. because then i never have the chance. and the people that love life so much and have goals and ambitions and want, so much, to be alive, to stay alive, are stripped of it all as their last breath escapes them and they crumple to the ground a faintly warm, physical being. And then they just turn cold and their rosy cheeks turn to ash and they become dust in the wind. As if they had never existed at all. But their presence is felt everywhere, and in everything they owned or touched and in every person they loved...

I dunno it just seems like the warmth of that person..to be able to hug them and feel their heart beat and their breathing and watch them blink their eyes...it means so much to people for some reason. Even when all we are really-all that really makes a person is the presence within them-their energy-their spirit-their soul...and our physical bodies only serve as a vehicle until they break down.

I don't know why it means so much. I don't understand the feeling of loss after a body dies, because the person never does. We always have the person but the physical being is gone. The person that could speak with a voice we could physically hear. The person who had lips we could kiss. The person with deep eyes that nobody could forget. A human body that could feel physical pain and bleed. The person with a life about them. Blood pumping through their veins. It's like the heart is more than just an organ. Like there's something else that makes human life so special.

I don't think I'll ever understand it.

and then i'm awake all night long thinkin about a girl.

and all the sudden i'm wishing i were somewhere else again.

the freebird's taken over.

back in the old familiar funk.

dancin to a different beat.

the daydreams are back.

and again, i'm unsure what exactly to do about the mess i've made.

and i have no clue how to get out of these strings i'm attached to.

and i still don't want to go to college.

and i wonder if i could possibly do it later.

Currently Listening Be Here By Keith Urban Days Go By see related

"And days go by...
I can feel 'em flyin'
Like a hand out the window in the wind.
The cars go by...
Yeah it's all we've been given,
So you better start livin' right now
'Cause days go by..."

fuck exams! i'm through. im not studying. 30 minutes tops for chemistry and physics combined. i'm done. no more. i dont give a shit about school anymore. i have no shit to give about school anymore anyhow. it isnt worth it. i just want to be free finally. i just want my own vehicle and my own apartment. i just wanna fucking be able to claim myself for taxes.

i wanna be able to take I30 straight to the Pacific and dive into the crashing blue waves. with all my clothes on.

i just want to kiss josh on the top of the world and go climb the biggest fucking rock wall known to mankind with germs. and i wanna swim. and run, and bike. and go camping. without tents. or sleeping bags. and i want to get lost. and not have to worry about calling mom and attempting to explain why i WONT be coming home tonight. or why i feel like shit the next morning. or having her pissed at me for staying up all night and sleeping half the day. or falling asleep accidentally with josh. i wanna take my hair down and never brush it and let it blow everywhere when i have all the windows down in the car with the radio blasting. and weaving through the other cars. i dont wanna pay attention to the limits. i'm ready for the limits to disappear. limitless. i want to be free. i want to live fast, and i want to fall asleep wherever i want. and wake up with dew on my face and take off somewhere again. i want to go fishing with a gun. i want to jump out of a plane with a parachute. i want to make some mischief and take off like a bat out of hell and run across fields and get torn apart by uncut grass whipping around my ankles. i wanna cut across a creek again and have to take my shoes off. i wanna but my ass and laugh about it. i wanna barely escape. i wanna take a dare. i wanna ignore my jiminy cricket. i wanna be a rebel. i wanna win a race. i wanna get scarred up so i can show them off. i wanna get sunburned and then see if i can burn it back. i want a tattoo to remind me what life is all about. i wanna make up for the times i've missed out on. i wanna get some fuckin crazy air. i wanna kick up a hell of a lot of dust. i want for people to wonder who i am and what im all about. i wanna squeeze as much fun as i can outta this life. i wanna laugh when im not supposed to. i wanna cry because im laughin so hard. i wanna die smilin.

i want to live a story worth telling my neices and nephews when im older, and i want to be a story told generations after i'm gone. i want my footsteps to be followed. or at the least, be real damn hard not to follow.

Currently Listening Not Fragile By Bachman-Turner Overdrive You Ain't Seen Nothin Yet see related

i was drivin pretty fast down cantrell today with my windows down and my music blaring, as usual, and the wind made my eyes dry out really good. i know the road pretty well, so i just shut my eyes for a second to moisten them. well, it was kindof nice havin my eyes shut, so i just kept them that way for a little longer. im pretty good at timing when the road curves and all that jazz. i know that road like the back of my hand. so i didnt wreck or anything. i did pretty good actually. it was awesome.

im back.

i care about myself, and i care about josh and germs and mom and lou, and i'd care if one of us got hurt or sick or died, so i'll do my best to prevent that. before, death wasnt as real to me. i've been through so many near death experiences and escaped them that i'd started to think i just might be invincible, and then that time with alex...ive been to the point a bunch of times where i think i've just taken my last breath and had my heart beat it's last time, and i've said goodbye to the world every time it happens. i've had my life flash before my eyes hundreds of times, and when i say life, i mean the people i care about the most. but ive never come so close to death or severe injury as that. it really fucked with my head.

once something like that happens to a person, they dont know whether they should act like it never happened and keep on livin the way they were, or become completely conscious and never take another risk in their life. i was stuck in that rut for awhile and now ive decided.

life is just like driving. i can be the cautious driver who never breaks the rules and has a perfect record, or i can be the rebel driver who breaks every rule and has a few more hours of community service to do. they cautious driver has a great mindset. always do what's right. always follow the rules. you'll have a better chance of living longer. the rebel driver also has a mindset that i respect. always do what you want, and if that means you're gonna have to go a little over the speed limit to get that wind blowin your hair around, go for it. you might not live as long but you'll have had a good run. either way, im gonna get in a wreck. i can never break the rules, but that doesnt mean i wont lose control. that doesnt mean i cant run through an oil slick or a patch of dry ice. doesnt mean somebody wont stop in front of me to where i dont have enough time to break. doesnt mean somebody else wont hit me. then i could drive a little fast and live a little faster, maybe have a little more risk but if im with the people i love and were havin a blast its worth it.

there are people who stop and smell the roses, or look out over the mountain to see the scenery, or point out planets and constellations at night. im the kind that doesnt really care much what roses smell like, unless theyre especially pretty, and i'd rather race to the top of the mountain than look out over the sunset. i like to look at the starry night sky, too, but i'd rather be laughin at my best friends.

ive been holding back my rebel side, governed by fear for the last few months, and i've been begging fear to let me go. i wanted myself back. i wansnt myself when i was so cautious. i was smelling all the roses. i was driving slow. that isnt me. i was miserable, and today i decided that i dont have to break all the rules and cross all the lines to have fun. i can push the limits, stretch the rules, break a few every now and then and still be myself. i needed to grow up a little anyhow. that's cautious enough for me. i dont think i'll be drivin with my eyes closed anymore, but just to do it once and remember how risk and that adrenaline rush is what i've lived for all these 18 years was worth it.

this is off the subject, but i trust josh a whole lot. im usually not the most trusting person. when my eyes were shut, i knew i'd have to open them soon but if josh were in the car, i wouldnt have minded him takin over the wheel. i just thought it was a cool thought.